laurenj52

laurenj52 @ 2009-10-28T20:39:00

2009-10-29T03:45:28Z

I came to a realization today, one that just tears me apart.
I let my fear blind me, I let my fear take away the one person I could be my complete self around.

I liked you since the day I met you, and I was blinded of the fact that you liked me back.
My paranoia, and my low self esteem made me doubt the fact that I would ever have a chance with you.
But today I realized just how much you really did mean to me, how much I loved just hanging out with you, listening to music, going for drives..Whatever it was, I was always having fun, always smiling.
I've never felt that way about someone before, and the opportunity to be with you was right there in front of me, and i just let it pass by.
How could i be so stupid?

I really miss you, and I just want you to know that i'm really sorry for hurting you, and just leaving you in the dust of my fears.
If you could ever just give me one more chance, i'll show you that you really do mean so much to me.
And i'm finally ready to open my heart to you.
I don't know what to do, if only i had the guts to tell you i liked you from the start.

laurenj52 @ 2009-05-25T10:26:00

2009-05-25T17:32:10Z

Summer is almost here, finally. I can honestly say i've never been so excited for it.
I'm starting to really like my new school, but i'm still torn between if i should switch back to my old school to graduate with my twin OR stay here, because I really like it.
hmmmm...
:/

Taking back sunday is coming to concert next week, i can't wait! i haven't been to a show in so long and what better way to end that streak with taking back sunday and anberlin!?!? i'm stoked.

today is a lazy day, i've been reallyyy busy for the past couple months. I stayed home one night this weekend and i actually felt out of place beause i'm so used to staying over at other peoples houses on weekends, weird huh? like, i actually couldn't sleep..it was a weird feeling. I like being busy, it keeps me occupied and happy but its nice to have a day like this where i can just lay around, besides that fact that i'm exhausted from having like five hours of sleep, it'll be a nice day. Its gorgeous out to, finally..summer weather! :)

School is out in like 11 days and this is going to be a really stressful 11 days with finals and all, and there going to be a lonnnnnnnnnnnggggggg 11 days, knowing summer is around the corner. UGH pray it goes fast.

alright, movie timmmmmmmmeeeeeeee! no, i'll probably just nap.
haha :)

happy.

2009-05-06T00:30:39Z

I am completly happy with my life, i was going through my old journals and I am so grateful that I am out of that state of mind.

Everything is going so well for me, I love life.I have the greatest friends I could ever ask for, and lately everything has been falling into place.I mean I know this wont all last forever, but the memories will. And I've been making great memories lately. :)
hah.

Life really isn't all that bad, you just have to look for the good in every situation and just live life moment by moment.

:) mmmmmmmm.

excited.

2009-01-21T01:49:58Z

Today marks one of the most historic moments in my generations lifetime, and i am so grateful i was alive to see it.
I don't think many people realize how big of a deal this really is.
Today will be a day that will be in our childrens history books when their in our grade, and they'll come running to us asking us question after question with deep interest, just like we do with our grandparents, and some's parents. I am so proud to be alive to see the first black man ever to become president. And not only that, but I have deep faith that he really is going to turn our horrible economic crisis that were in right now and bring us back up..no matter how long it takes, he will no doubt make the foundation for it and most likely lead us all there. I have faith in this, and I wish more people would too. Of course, Obama has many supporters but there is those who are totally against him, and i have no clue why.

Just wait and see, this will be a very historic four years..and hopefully eight.:)
I'm excited for the future, and for once i believe everything will be okay!

brave.

2008-12-21T03:19:01Z

I'll admit the truth scares me,
but right now I'm going to be brave.
I have something to tell you..
I love you, I always have, and always will.
and I want to know the truth,
even if it might kill me..
is this all a game to you?

laurenj52 @ 2008-10-29T22:22:00

2008-10-30T05:30:44Z

Its hard for me to think about the past,
because memories of you fill it up.
After all that time, how could you just leave?
Everything that happened between us, all the laughs and love,
how could you just leave me here, alone.

Ripped up photos of you and i lay across my floor,
its hard to live at times, hard to breath..
without you next to me i feel like my whole life is missing.

How can one person impact my life so much?
Days go by so slowly without you near me,
without your kiss that gave me butterflies, your touch that made me feel so safe, your words that inspired me to be my best.

I wish you were still around, so much it kills me inside.
I will love you forever, and I hope one day you realize that you love me back,
but for now i'm just here wishing, waiting, hoping.

I miss you.

laurenj52 @ 2008-10-29T19:22:00

2008-10-30T02:22:39Z

You showed me how to love with all of my heart,
you taught me that love can conquer all,
you made me forget my fears, laugh until my cheeks burned,
you opened my eyes to see the beauty in this world,
and made me realize that dreaming, and imagination really is better then reality.
you welcomed me with open arms,
then screw me over and left me here.
you left me with the worse feeling in mankind,
heartbreak.
i ask myself everyday if it was worth it,
it was.
i love you, i always will.
Forever and ever, baby. <3

laurenj52 @ 2008-09-26T20:08:00

2008-09-27T03:10:40Z

You've lost yourself in all of this,
please find your way home,
i'll be your light home.....

hold my hand,
you can make it through.
Don't let go, hold on tight.
This road is bumpy, but i see the light..
i'll be your light, i'll be your light.

laurenj52 @ 2008-07-06T23:42:00

2008-07-07T06:44:49Z

the worse feeling in the world, is feeling nothing at all.
i hate feeling numb, as if nothing can go right.
why does life have so much wrong in it?

i miss the old days.

laurenj52 @ 2008-06-19T00:13:00

2008-06-19T07:57:31Z

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I'm more confused then ever.
give it time.

but in the mean time, my best friend and I were messing around and these are some pictures I took:D

.

2008-06-15T06:49:24Z

I don't fucking get this world.
i'm so sick of it all, seriously.
everything that made me happy seems to have just slipped from my grasp.
I tried holding on, i tried finding it after it seems to have ran from my sight.
its gone, everything is gone.
i just want it back, i miss the old days.
when i woke up smiling, fell asleep smileing.
everythings turned to shit.
and i'm sick of it.
how can the things that made you so happy now make you so sad?
i don't get this world, the way it turns, the meaning of it..i don't get anything anymore.
ugadgjal fuck this.

laurenj52 @ 2008-05-28T18:22:00

2008-05-29T01:26:52Z

Whatever mistake i made, i promise i can fix it,
i don't no what i did to deserve it.
i'm glad i now see you for who you really are,
you played me for a fool..and honestly..i was a fool, for ever liking you.
i'm not sure what to say, think or feel.
I don't understand any of this anymore.
it feels like life is one big joke..one that i don't get.
i don't no if i want to get it anymore,
i don't believe everything happens for a reason
because why the fuck should someone ever have to feel the way i do?
seriously.
its not making me tougher as a person, its only weakening me,
the happiness i had..that i was hoping would last longer,
is gone within a blink of a eye.
a couple nights of crying, days that last forever..
when will everything fall back into place?
maybe just maybe, everythings falling apart so new and better things can fall together.
i'm keeping my faith in that..cause faith is all i have going for me right now.
nothing is right.

i hate hypocrites,
it seems like when i do right someone fucking stabs me in the back and turns everything that made me happy around.
i don't no what to do, because i was so happy..and more happiness was about to come.
UGHHH FUCK THIS.

only with time.

2008-05-02T07:20:11Z

How is it that you can feel so lonely in a sea full of people,
how is it that you can be alive but barely be living at all.
how is it possible to get everything you ask for, but to still starve for more..
How is it that you can love someone so much and not be loved in return.
How is it possible for your heart to ache so badly and be so blinded by depression but yet the one you've been loooking for is standing right there,
in front of your eyes.
Just reach out..
You'll find what your looking for.
In time.
Time heals all wounds,
in time you will love and be loved in return.
If only you are willing to sacrifice..
only with time.
<3

advice to myself.

2008-04-22T04:12:07Z

Breath in, breath out.
Just let go..
The past is the past,
now make the future pleasant.
Breath in, Breath out..
Just move on......

Goodnight.

Dare to inspire me.

2008-04-22T04:09:32Z

Is there hope tonight.

Is tonight just another night,
staying up late..Hoping you actually show up.
My life seems to consist of nights like this lately.
I keep laying here, hoping and praying,
that you'll find a way to get to me.
I'm only wishful thinking,
I want you so badely, it hurts inside.
Your the missing piece in my life.
Is there hope tonight?

Do you feel.

I wonder what you're thinking,
have I even crossed your mind?
Or am I just another girl thats passed in your life,
gone and forgotten.
I want to make a mark, I want to be remembered.
Stop leaving me here,
its only bringing my heart down more and more.
Mixed feelings, long car rides full of thinking,
going no where.
Stop leaving me hanging,
do you feel the way I do?
About anyone? I don't want to be left here,
in the dust..just wondering.
Do you feel?
Moments and moments,
memories and memories,
I don't want to keep hanging by a memory.

crushcrushcrush

2008-04-22T04:02:57Z

You have a good way of bringing my hopes way high up,
then bringing them all the way down.
I care about you too much, it seems.
I'm sick and tired or wondering how you feel,
if its even remotely close to the way I feel for you.
Once I think everything is going good again, you confuse me even more.
Maybe I'm just over analysing everything, but this feeling brought apon me
is really starting to cave in on me.
Can't you just clear things up with me? Instead of leaving me here,
hanging by a moment.
As if all my dreams are only wishful thinking and things are never going to
be the way I'd like them too.
Maybe everything was just too perfect, too good to be true.
That's probably it..
Nothing seem's to go right.
Is there even a right? I'd like to say there is, but everyones right is probably different.
My right though, is us being together, you make me so happy.
I sometimes wonder if its all a dream.
But, do I want to wake up?
You're too good to be true.
I'd sleep forever, if it meant us being together.

laurenj52 @ 2008-04-20T22:03:00

2008-04-21T05:11:06Z

I don't know what to do, I was so happy, it was like the world couldn't stop me from doing anything. And now I'm just really confused about everything.

I really really really like you, words can't even describe it.
I'm totally, 100% myself around you, and I've never been able to do that with anyone.
You make me feel happy, like I'm on top of the world, I smile and laugh non stop when I'm with you.
You seriously have the best humor, I forget all my troubles when I'm with you.
Your not the guy that I always find myself meeting, the one who calls me "hot" and makes me feel like a piece of meat. I can tell your not all interested in sex and shit like that, you actually want to get to no me for me, you actually look me into the eye's and listen to what I have to say. You don't take life to seriously, and I love that. I can goof off and be crazy and you are right there with me. You understand my humor, my sarcasim. You just get me, and I love it. You've seen me at worse, and you've seen me when I actually try to look okay, either way I know you actually care about what i have to say, how i feel . I've been so picky about the guys I've liked in the past, but you..seriously are everything I've always wanted. I love hanging out with you, everyday is a new adventure. I can't even explain it. I like you the way you are, and I have no fears no doubts about you.
I'm afraid you don't feel the same way.
I don't know what to do.

life has been great lately though, i've been having so much fun. I've met some great people and everyday is just wonderful. Something bad will happen, of course..its life. But i have the best people in my life who help me get over my worries.
I can't wait for summer.
IT WILL BE THE BEST YET.
<3

laurenj52 @ 2008-03-23T12:44:00

2008-03-23T19:47:50Z

I'm more out going then i've been in a long time,
i miss so much about my past..i seem to live in it.
I shouldn't dwell on it though,
because its gone and never coming back.
I'm so confused about people,
and this world..
I wonder if I will ever get this life.
Not knowing though,
give's me a new adventure everyday.
I can't wait for summer.
Sleeping in, with the sun shining through my blinds,
feeling happy, like nothing can hurt me..
long car rides going no where, with friends, windows rolled down,
feeling happy, cool breeze, happyhappyhappy.
I can't wait<3
I will make sure this summer is the best its ever been.
Nothing can bring me down.

I've never felt this way,
I wonder how long this feeling will stay.

laurenj52 @ 2008-03-11T22:12:00

2008-03-12T05:27:42Z

Simply living is not enough, for only breathing wont keep you alive.
Saying your sorry without meaning is not enough for forgiveness, and stating i love you without conviction is not enough to hear it back.
I miss a lot of things,
like being happy for the majority of the time, the 90's, getting along with my mom, not stressing out 99% of the time, dancing..I miss so many moments I took for granted.
I wish life could just get easier, it wont..I just need to learn how to deal with the fact that it'll only get harder, and i have to make it what i want, and its going to be tough..

BUT
I will make it.

There's not a doubt in my mind, that I can't acheive it..for I will be something, I will create the life I've always wanted, the life I've dreamed of. I can only be happy if I choose to see things positivily and learn from the negitive. Its now or never, i choose happiness. <3
I won't get sucked into the crowds of uncertainty, I wont get sucked into the peer pressure to be something i'm not. I am who I am, I have those who accept it, and I cherish them so much..and I know those who don't..and I don't waste my time trying to get their acceptance..That'd be a waste of breath, and I'm not willing to change for the unwilling, and for those who don't see whats underneath what only their eyes can see. I like to find beauty in unexpected places, for those places are where the most gorgeous things are held. Look beyond your vision.

I'm trying to make sense of this world, but everytime I think i get it, my world gets turned around. There will never be perfect in this life, and i'll never be certain i know exactly whats going on..but i'm okay with that. Because, without lifes up and downs, without all the hard roads, the tears, the fight..all the hard work we do, wouldn't be worth a thing. But let me tell you just one thing..

In the end, if you fought a hard road, all those tears, all the stress, everything that you thought was bringing you down..
Will be worth it, i promise you. Just look past the horrible things in the world, if you work hard and see the road ahead, You'll go up hill from there. yeah, it may get tough again, but you can get through it, just have faith in yourself. Believe in yourself and those around you.

<3 I believe everyone has a reason to be here on earth, so find what you love, go for your dreams, and live life to the fullest..For its a short life, as long as your days may seem at times, when you wake up the next day it'll be like a years past. Life fly's by, so hold on now, it may feel like your losing grip, but trust yourself and trust others..you'll make it through.

..Night.

sickkkkk

2008-02-11T23:37:30Z

I'm really sick right now.
this weekend was lots of fun though.
:) two shows, practically 3..the third one i heard on the phone haha for their whole set cause i couldn't make it then my friend had Trace from metro station call me, because i couldn't make it. that made my night.
now i've stayed home all day with a high high high fever and i've completly lost my voice and my stomach and head hurts like hell.
& i missed a huge test today, that i have no clue how to make it up. oh well.

anyways i'm going to go lye down.
bye<3

numb.

2008-01-31T01:55:24Z

i feel so numb, i don't know what i'm feeling, i know i hate this feeling though. Like nothing can go right, I'm stuck in reverse.
days drag on and on, i can't seem to be happy, like i used to be. nothing is going right, the dragged on fights, that should have ended by now keep going on and on, the same thing every night..repeating itself. I'm not good enough for you, and never will be I just wish you could see how hard I try to please you. I don't want to die with you not loving me. I'm sorry I'm such a disapointment, really I am. I am trying my best, i can't suceed.I don't know what to do anymore, this feeling keep's building inside. The days are getting harder and harder, and everything that used to make me happy seems to be gone. I don't know what to do, I wish someone could just tell me a sentence or two, guiding me in the right direction to be happy again.
I try to sleep, I can't. Its the restless nights that make me think. Will this ever be over? This endless fight that I wish would just end now. I want a healthy relationship with you.I'm sick of the agony.

laurenj52 @ 2008-01-14T20:57:00

2008-01-15T04:59:24Z

todays horrible. I lost my best friend, she was my best friend since 6th grade. I told her everything, i was myself around her and its really depressing losing someone who was always there for you. I didn't think this would happen.when all the ( ) was happening, i thought it'd be the same, but we'd be stronger as friends because i was there for her through all of that shit but no..i'm really depressed:/

laurenj52 @ 2008-01-09T20:55:00

2008-01-10T04:57:20Z

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse?

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worst?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

...I'm in love with this song. <3

things i likkeee/about meeeee.

2008-01-09T00:38:19Z

-SHOWSSHOWSSHOWS:D
-i'm in love with meeting people who inspire me.
-I get ammused easily.
-Music is my drug.
-drug/alchohol free.
-dance parties ! !
-rocking out in the car.
-I miss the 90's alotalotalot
-i wear lots of makeup, get over it :D
-my style is different from most that live in my town.
-i don't care^ i'm glad.
-i've dyed my hair once, big mistake.
-i have two heros.
-obsessed with famliy guyyyy !
-i want to find a boy who cares about more then looks. and actually cares about personality. thats hard to find in this small ass town.
-i've got in a car wreck, life changing..
-i have a problem..i can't save money ! :O
-i want to move to NY ! or seattle.
-I love being in crowds of strangers.
- I have a twin sisssyyy !
-i have ocd. hahah, lame.
-i have two passions..writing and photography.
-i have a baby....my nikon d40. haha
-i'm afraid of child birth, i don't plan on having a kid, adopting is where its at. but i'll probably grow out of that, and have a kid. but not for a LONG time.
-vacationnnn<3
-i know what i want to do in life. and i like that.
-i'm going to be a makeup artist, photographer, and maybe on the side a journalist for AP. or some magazine i love.
-i'm crazzyyyyyyyyy :) in a good way.
-i hate texting, i do it a lot though.
-i can't be fake to people..so if i don't like someone, they'll know it .
-i have many pet peeves, i'd enjoy meeting someone who lacks the habits i hate.

..more lataaa gator<3

laurenj52 @ 2008-01-03T23:34:00

2008-01-04T07:34:59Z